Our Girls 1st Birthday and Mothers Day

It is about 8am in Addis right now. Our babies have probably woken up and I wonder if anyone there remembers it's their 1st Birthday. Happy Birthday sweet girls. When we traveled to court in December and even after hearing about the investigation it never occurred to me that we wouldn't be with them today. Their Easter dresses were then their birthday dresses, we now hope they will at least be able to wear them this summer. These girls are so loved and we so want them home with us so badly.

It will be a bit of a tough day tomorrow given that it's Mothers Day. I don't know if it is ET too, but regardless their birth mother will be on my mind and as think she will throughout so many days of their lives. I am so blessed to be Beans mummy. I tell her frequently that being her mummy is the most favorite thing I've ever been. Only being John's wife equals it. I had no idea I would enjoy motherhood so much. I am really blessed to be one. I am hoping in the near future that I will be luckily enough to add two more officially to my proud list of children when people ask. We count them now, but for it to be official will be big.

We decided yesterday not to celebrate their birthdays in a big way without the girls. I don't think I could get through it to be honest. I could try to describe what the last almost 20 weeks have been like with this wait, but really I don't have the words to explain it, and I don't think I have the heart for that either. I'll just say it's pretty indescribable. There are days I feel I have given up most hope, the other days I dread having hope because of the inevitable disappointment, sadness and funk that follows. Depletion. Helplessness. Void of understanding. We will wait 'til we are with them again to have our own celebration. Tomorrow they will be deep in our hearts, we will be wondering how their first birthday was, we will be with them in a quiet way, but the only way that we can be while still remaining upbeat to celebrate Mothers Day and that blessing with the Bean.

Happy Birthday sweet girls. Now how wanted and loved you are.

And Bean, I LOVE being your Mummy. I am the luckiest.